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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: So Sad

Hello, and welcome to the first Weekend Writing Warriors.  This group is taking the place of Six Sentence Sunday.  I don't know if there are other groups or not, but you can find the Weekend Writing Warriors at http://www.wewriwa.com/  I saw a lot of fine authors on the list, so I hope you'll check them out.  My excerpt today is something I've been playing around with for some time, but I got it about half way through the manuscript and put it aside.  Do you think it's worth continuing?  I'd love your thoughts.


Philip Eastland turned the collar of his leather jacket up against the driving sleet that had begun to fall and shoved his hands into his pockets to keep them warm.  As usual he had forgotten his gloves.  Today was the first day of spring, but it had come early this year, just in time for a late season storm.

His chest started to burn when he saw that ice was forming on the top of Amy’s marker.  He couldn’t stop the ice from forming any more than he could stop the cancer that carried her away two years ago. With a sound deep in his throat, he knocked the ice off anyway.
 
A smile played along his lips.  Amy was well now.

27 comments:

Sherry Gloag said...

You've offered a lot of infomation in this snippet and stopped at a point of anticpated change, so yes I'd read on.

cerianhebert.com said...

Very emotional! Awesome eight!

Kizzia (or Kim if you prefer) said...

This made my heart all achy. Especially the last five sentences.
I'm not convinced about the "first day of spring" sentence as I'm not sure what you're trying to convey. The whole snippet would work just as well with out it, I think. But the rest is lovely. Sad but lovely.

Sarah W said...

This is beautifully poignant.

I definitely want to read more!

Elaine Cantrell said...

Thank you Sarah, Kizzia, cerianhebert, and Sherry. If you all think it has potential I guess I will pull it out and work on it.

Clare Davidson said...

The twist at the end really caught me by surprise. I really liked the vivid description and the emotion you evoked by the simple act of knocking the ice off. I think you should carry on with it, if you have the inspiration to.

Paula Martin said...

Very poignant. Love the last sentence.

charmainegordon author said...

My heart aches with familiarity of your story. Beautiful.

Dani-Lyn Alexander said...

Such a heartbreaking snippet, I would definitely continue with it!

Siobhan Muir said...

What a poignant start, Elaine. I think it's worth continuing if you have a story to go with that beginning. You can make it even stronger with removing "that had begun to fall" and "started to", and replace the latter with "His chest burned as he watched ice form on the top of Amy's marker. He couldn't stop the ice any more than..." It makes the writing more active and tight. :) Good snippet. I'm interested to see where it goes.

Susan Roebuck said...

oh dear, it's sad but I think it's all going to turn out well. Good snippet, I'd like to know more.

Elaine Cantrell said...

Ladies, thank you so much for your comments and your advice. I think you're spot on with it.

Veronica Scott said...

I could really relate to the character, thought you established the mood well. Like the other commenters, I was left wondering "what next?" and would have read on. Excellent snippet!

Evelyn Jules said...

I definitely agree that this is worth continuing. I want to know more about these characters because you've captured the emotion so well. Great job! :)

authorannelange.com said...

I loved it. The visual hit with the very first line. Certainly worth continuing. Well done!

Kate Warren said...

Definite potential. I'd take "anyway" off the end of the sentence about knocking the ice off. His pain at losing her even years later is evident. Sounds like a great guy. Hopefully he can heal.

I vote yes, continue it if you are so inclined.

Gem Sivad said...

Good way to introduce back story and show his grief at the same time. Nice.

Teresa Cypher said...

I think it has such potential, Elaine. And I like the dichotomy of emotions he expresses in these few sentences. Well done! :-)

Elaine Cantrell said...

Thanks again to all of you who stopped by. i appreciate all of your advice and help very much.

Red Wing citizen said...

As a person who loves genealogy, I have been in many cemeteries with ice, frost and snow. I once told my husband that if he ever had trouble motivating me, he should just say, "Carol pretend it is a cemetery." I always want to know the stories behind the gravestones. It is especially pleasing to know that this woman had love.

Carrie-Anne said...

Very moving scene! As a graver, I've done similar acts of caretaking to graves covered in snow and mud.

Monica Enderle Pierce said...

Heavy emotion on a cold day. I'd read on to see how his life turns around. (Because it *has* to get better.)

Elaine Cantrell said...

Thanks so much Monica, Carol, and Carrier-Anne. I appreciate your visit so much.

Marcia Kuma said...

This definitely has lots of potential. Even though a lot of lives have been affected by cancer, each story is unique. I like the contrast of mentioning an early spring as he stands at his wife's grave. Nice 8.

ED Martin said...

What a sweet gesture.

elingregory said...

Definite potential. the last bit "Amy was well" is a definite hook. How can she be if she's dead?

Sarah Ballance said...

I'd keep reading! This is a powerful set up, Elaine.