My Books!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Snippet Sunday and Weekend Writing Warriors

Welcome to Snippet Sunday and Weekend Writing Warriors. Join a dedicated group of authors who share snippets from their work each week. My snippet today is from an unnamed WIP. In short, my hero had an affair, and when the woman died, he found out that he had a son, a son he wants him and his wife to raise. She didn't take it well of course. In this excerpt, he is remembering how he and the other woman hooked up at a party. She said she had to leave the party, and he has offered to drive her home. It's totally unedited so if you see something, let me know.

She had a small apartment on the outskirts on the city. “It’s lovely,” he said. “The black and white color scheme is crisp and dynamic.”
“Oh, the apartment’s very small, but still I think it does rather well.”

She slipped her jacket off and tossed it over the back of a chair. “Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.”



Find more lovely excerpts at:

http://www.wewriwa.com
https://www.facebook.com/groups/SnippetSunday/

Picture:
By Relaisfrancmayne (Self-photographed) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

24 comments:

Linda said...

Wow, she is in a rush. I wonder why he doesn't back off. She should have at least had to get him a bit drunk or something first.
She sounds like the devil.

P.T.Wyant said...

Hmmm... She gets straight to the point, does't she? Maybe she doesn't have a future in politics!

Carol Burnside aka Annie Rayburn said...

“Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.” said the spider to the fly... Not very subtle, is she? ;-)

Elaine Cantrell said...

Readers, what do you think; should he have put up more of a fight?

Heather Boyd said...

Interesting snippet. I love how he's trying to make small talk and she'd rather direct. LOL

Charmaine Gordon said...

He sounds like a decorator, Elaine. My suggestion is to change his speech. Get rid of 'lovely' and the talk about decor.
As for her, set a better scene with offer of drinks and a snack and work her way to the bedroom.
Let the heat build. You know how.

Frank C. Etier said...

I'm with Charmaine. The senator sounds like an interior designer.
And his host?
She's so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia!

gemma parkes said...

I'm not sure about the decor comment from the Senator either.
Maybe the woman is just very clinical sexually and doesn't see any point in making small talk? Or maybe she is just literally showing him her bedroom.

E.E. Giorgi said...

That last sentence says it all: she calls him "senator", as in official business, but she's showing him her bedroom. :-)

Salisa Waheed said...

Nice story line. A little twist. But i think he should have more of a fight.

Marcia said...

He could comment on her apartment a little differently, maybe something like "You're as crisp as your apartment. Clean lines and no frills." Then her comment about showing him her bedroom wouldn't seem quite so abrupt. IMHO. Still, a good snippet, evocative in only a few lines.

Mary Lowery said...

More please! It sounds intriguing!

Siobhan Muir said...

Good lead-up to what eventually gets them in trouble, Elaine. :)

Sarah W said...

I like the description of the room, but I'm wondering if "crisp and dynamic" is something he would actually say, or just think?

Then again, I don't know him too well---maybe he would! :)

Heare2Watts said...

Honestly, there isn't a straight guy I know that would say that about a room. Not even sure how many gay guys I know that would use those terms. Really, most straight men wouldn't comment on decor unless she had some deer heads hanging. And the let me show you the bedroom.......can we say slut. It screams entrapment for a man of position as a Senator.
Ok,that's just my opinion.

Gem Sivad said...

Like the apartment, your scene is "crisp and dynamic." Great 8!

Elaine Cantrell said...

Thanks to all for the suggestions. I wasn't quite pleased with it, and you've all helped tremendously.

Sue Ann Bowling said...

If I were him, I'd worry about a foreign agent. Except an agent probably wouldn't be that blatent.

Veronica Scott said...

My impression is that he's an idiot,as a married Senator in this day and age, to go admire her bedroom LOL. I guess to me he seems like such a basically upright and likable person from your earlier snippets that to have an affair with this woman his emotions would have to be engaged or she'd have to have *really* seduced him, you know? He doesn't even seem drunk, so.....? But of course we only have the snippet, maybe there was a lot of context at the party. Well, you've got me hooked, as we can all see!

Yolanda G said...

As far as editing:
Should it not say, "on the outskirts of the city" NOT "on the outskirts on the city."??

As far as the snippet...I agree that she is rather quick to get him to the bedroom! LOL!

Elaine Cantrell said...

Indeed it should, Yolanda. thanks.

tinachristopherauthor.com said...

Would a man comment on the colour scheme? Just something that struck me as a little odd. Other than that strong snippet.

JTsuruoka said...

Killer last line. Nice work!

Teresa Cypher said...

Man! She doesn't waste time. I really don't like this women, and I already feel sorry for the child they have together...

Wonderfully fluid snippet, Elaine! :-)