Hello, and welcome to the first Weekend Writing Warriors. This group is taking the place of Six Sentence Sunday. I don't know if there are other groups or not, but you can find the Weekend Writing Warriors at http://www.wewriwa.com/ I saw a lot of fine authors on the list, so I hope you'll check them out. My excerpt today is something I've been playing around with for some time, but I got it about half way through the manuscript and put it aside. Do you think it's worth continuing? I'd love your thoughts.
Philip Eastland
turned the collar of his leather jacket up against the driving sleet that had
begun to fall and shoved his hands into his pockets to keep them warm. As usual he had forgotten his gloves. Today was the first day of spring, but it had
come early this year, just in time for a late season storm.
His chest started
to burn when he saw that ice was forming on the top of Amy’s marker. He couldn’t stop the ice from forming any
more than he could stop the cancer that carried her away two years ago. With a
sound deep in his throat, he knocked the ice off anyway.
You've offered a lot of infomation in this snippet and stopped at a point of anticpated change, so yes I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteVery emotional! Awesome eight!
ReplyDeleteThis made my heart all achy. Especially the last five sentences.
ReplyDeleteI'm not convinced about the "first day of spring" sentence as I'm not sure what you're trying to convey. The whole snippet would work just as well with out it, I think. But the rest is lovely. Sad but lovely.
This is beautifully poignant.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to read more!
Thank you Sarah, Kizzia, cerianhebert, and Sherry. If you all think it has potential I guess I will pull it out and work on it.
ReplyDeleteThe twist at the end really caught me by surprise. I really liked the vivid description and the emotion you evoked by the simple act of knocking the ice off. I think you should carry on with it, if you have the inspiration to.
ReplyDeleteVery poignant. Love the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches with familiarity of your story. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartbreaking snippet, I would definitely continue with it!
ReplyDeleteWhat a poignant start, Elaine. I think it's worth continuing if you have a story to go with that beginning. You can make it even stronger with removing "that had begun to fall" and "started to", and replace the latter with "His chest burned as he watched ice form on the top of Amy's marker. He couldn't stop the ice any more than..." It makes the writing more active and tight. :) Good snippet. I'm interested to see where it goes.
ReplyDeleteoh dear, it's sad but I think it's all going to turn out well. Good snippet, I'd like to know more.
ReplyDeleteLadies, thank you so much for your comments and your advice. I think you're spot on with it.
ReplyDeleteI could really relate to the character, thought you established the mood well. Like the other commenters, I was left wondering "what next?" and would have read on. Excellent snippet!
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree that this is worth continuing. I want to know more about these characters because you've captured the emotion so well. Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteI loved it. The visual hit with the very first line. Certainly worth continuing. Well done!
ReplyDeleteDefinite potential. I'd take "anyway" off the end of the sentence about knocking the ice off. His pain at losing her even years later is evident. Sounds like a great guy. Hopefully he can heal.
ReplyDeleteI vote yes, continue it if you are so inclined.
Good way to introduce back story and show his grief at the same time. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI think it has such potential, Elaine. And I like the dichotomy of emotions he expresses in these few sentences. Well done! :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks again to all of you who stopped by. i appreciate all of your advice and help very much.
ReplyDeleteAs a person who loves genealogy, I have been in many cemeteries with ice, frost and snow. I once told my husband that if he ever had trouble motivating me, he should just say, "Carol pretend it is a cemetery." I always want to know the stories behind the gravestones. It is especially pleasing to know that this woman had love.
ReplyDeleteVery moving scene! As a graver, I've done similar acts of caretaking to graves covered in snow and mud.
ReplyDeleteHeavy emotion on a cold day. I'd read on to see how his life turns around. (Because it *has* to get better.)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Monica, Carol, and Carrier-Anne. I appreciate your visit so much.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely has lots of potential. Even though a lot of lives have been affected by cancer, each story is unique. I like the contrast of mentioning an early spring as he stands at his wife's grave. Nice 8.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet gesture.
ReplyDeleteDefinite potential. the last bit "Amy was well" is a definite hook. How can she be if she's dead?
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading! This is a powerful set up, Elaine.
ReplyDelete