Saturday, August 16, 2014

Snippet Sunday and Weekend Writing Warriors

Welcome to Snippet Sunday and Weekend Writing Warriors. Join a dedicated group of authors who share snippets from their work each week. My snippet today is from an unnamed WIP. In short, my hero had an affair, and when the woman died, he found out that he had a son, a son he wants him and his wife to raise. She didn't take it well of course. In this excerpt, he is remembering how he and the other woman hooked up at a party. She said she had to leave the party, and he has offered to drive her home. It's totally unedited so if you see something, let me know.

She had a small apartment on the outskirts on the city. “It’s lovely,” he said. “The black and white color scheme is crisp and dynamic.”
“Oh, the apartment’s very small, but still I think it does rather well.”

She slipped her jacket off and tossed it over the back of a chair. “Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.”



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Picture:
By Relaisfrancmayne (Self-photographed) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
at

24 comments:

  1. LindaAugust 17, 2014 at 3:01 AM

    Wow, she is in a rush. I wonder why he doesn't back off. She should have at least had to get him a bit drunk or something first.
    She sounds like the devil.

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  2. P.T.WyantAugust 17, 2014 at 3:16 AM

    Hmmm... She gets straight to the point, does't she? Maybe she doesn't have a future in politics!

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  3. Carol Burnside aka Annie RayburnAugust 17, 2014 at 4:03 AM

    “Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.” said the spider to the fly... Not very subtle, is she? ;-)

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  4. Elaine CantrellAugust 17, 2014 at 4:31 AM

    Readers, what do you think; should he have put up more of a fight?

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  5. Heather BoydAugust 17, 2014 at 5:14 AM

    Interesting snippet. I love how he's trying to make small talk and she'd rather direct. LOL

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  6. Charmaine GordonAugust 17, 2014 at 9:15 AM

    He sounds like a decorator, Elaine. My suggestion is to change his speech. Get rid of 'lovely' and the talk about decor.
    As for her, set a better scene with offer of drinks and a snack and work her way to the bedroom.
    Let the heat build. You know how.

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  7. FCEtierAugust 17, 2014 at 10:09 AM

    I'm with Charmaine. The senator sounds like an interior designer.
    And his host?
    She's so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia!

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  8. gemma parkesAugust 17, 2014 at 10:33 AM

    I'm not sure about the decor comment from the Senator either.
    Maybe the woman is just very clinical sexually and doesn't see any point in making small talk? Or maybe she is just literally showing him her bedroom.

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  9. UnknownAugust 17, 2014 at 10:45 AM

    That last sentence says it all: she calls him "senator", as in official business, but she's showing him her bedroom. :-)

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  10. Sal W.August 17, 2014 at 10:55 AM

    Nice story line. A little twist. But i think he should have more of a fight.

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  11. MarciaAugust 17, 2014 at 11:08 AM

    He could comment on her apartment a little differently, maybe something like "You're as crisp as your apartment. Clean lines and no frills." Then her comment about showing him her bedroom wouldn't seem quite so abrupt. IMHO. Still, a good snippet, evocative in only a few lines.

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  12. UnknownAugust 17, 2014 at 11:21 AM

    More please! It sounds intriguing!

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  13. Siobhan MuirAugust 17, 2014 at 11:37 AM

    Good lead-up to what eventually gets them in trouble, Elaine. :)

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  14. Sarah WAugust 17, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    I like the description of the room, but I'm wondering if "crisp and dynamic" is something he would actually say, or just think?

    Then again, I don't know him too well---maybe he would! :)

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  15. Kathy Heare WattsAugust 17, 2014 at 1:06 PM

    Honestly, there isn't a straight guy I know that would say that about a room. Not even sure how many gay guys I know that would use those terms. Really, most straight men wouldn't comment on decor unless she had some deer heads hanging. And the let me show you the bedroom.......can we say slut. It screams entrapment for a man of position as a Senator.
    Ok,that's just my opinion.

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  16. Gem SivadAugust 17, 2014 at 1:56 PM

    Like the apartment, your scene is "crisp and dynamic." Great 8!

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  17. Elaine CantrellAugust 17, 2014 at 2:00 PM

    Thanks to all for the suggestions. I wasn't quite pleased with it, and you've all helped tremendously.

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  18. Sue Ann BowlingAugust 17, 2014 at 3:35 PM

    If I were him, I'd worry about a foreign agent. Except an agent probably wouldn't be that blatent.

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  19. Veronica ScottAugust 17, 2014 at 5:57 PM

    My impression is that he's an idiot,as a married Senator in this day and age, to go admire her bedroom LOL. I guess to me he seems like such a basically upright and likable person from your earlier snippets that to have an affair with this woman his emotions would have to be engaged or she'd have to have *really* seduced him, you know? He doesn't even seem drunk, so.....? But of course we only have the snippet, maybe there was a lot of context at the party. Well, you've got me hooked, as we can all see!

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  20. Yolanda GAugust 17, 2014 at 6:51 PM

    As far as editing:
    Should it not say, "on the outskirts of the city" NOT "on the outskirts on the city."??

    As far as the snippet...I agree that she is rather quick to get him to the bedroom! LOL!

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  21. Elaine CantrellAugust 17, 2014 at 7:33 PM

    Indeed it should, Yolanda. thanks.

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  22. AnonymousAugust 17, 2014 at 10:54 PM

    Would a man comment on the colour scheme? Just something that struck me as a little odd. Other than that strong snippet.

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  23. JTsuruokaAugust 20, 2014 at 6:25 PM

    Killer last line. Nice work!

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  24. Teresa CypherAugust 21, 2014 at 4:28 PM

    Man! She doesn't waste time. I really don't like this women, and I already feel sorry for the child they have together...

    Wonderfully fluid snippet, Elaine! :-)

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