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To recap, my hero and heroine have met on a beach ten years after his father broke them up. After having a hot dog and going to a beach front carnival, they realize the old feelings are still there. The only problem is that she's engaged to another man. This excerpt takes place immediately after she tells him they'll have to wait for another kiss. It seems as if her conscience is pricking her. The cat is a stuffed cat he won for her at a carnival.
Oh, lord! What time was it? She glanced at her watch. It
was time to go home. Maybe Mother and Alex are worried about
me. I haven’t behaved very well tonight. It isn’t fair to Alex for me to
go out on a date with Richard. Oh, but you can’t call this a date!
Yeah, right, and maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow. She
picked up her cat, and they started the walk back to their
cars.
So what do you think? Will they go their separate ways or not?
So what do you think? Will they go their separate ways or not?
I hope she follows her heart.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question: They'll go their separate ways and never see each other again ... NOT!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering who follows whom home...
ReplyDeleteCertainly not a vote of confidence towards the engagement. But... she did enjoy herself.
ReplyDeleteShe has a rather contentious relationship with her conscious at the moment. Good job of showing that, Elaine. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's a battle within herself. Will she or won't she? Love will decide. You've handed us a puzzle.
ReplyDeleteIs this already published, Elaine? If so you can ignore my comment. Most internal thought should be one sentence, or two if they're no more than two or three words, to keep the flow moving. The rest can be written as a bit of narrative.
ReplyDeleteOh, lord! What time was it? She glanced at her watch. It was time to go home. Maybe Mother and Alex are worried about me. She hadn't behaved very well tonight. It wasn't fair to Alex for her to go on a date with Richard. She couldn't quite call it a date, they'd met on the beach. Yeah, right, and maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow. She picked up her cat, and they started the walk back to their cars.
Leave the description to be narrative, and the "dialogish" thoughts to be internal. Good snippet. :)
Yeah, I don't think her not-a-date is really as innocent as she wishes it was. And intention matters...
ReplyDeleteYes, that was a date all right! And I hope he gets her to go home with him. Forget Alex! Enjoyed the snippet, have gotten very invested, can you tell LOL?
ReplyDeleteI think she is going to go away and he is going to come running after her the next day and the day after and the day after and the day after and... she won't be able to stop thinking about him.
ReplyDeleteIf it looks like a date and feels like a date... it's a date! I get the feeling that her decision is getting less difficult with each passing snippet.
ReplyDeleteLove her inner thoughts! Especially this line: "Yeah, right, and maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow."
ReplyDeleteI think her conscience is going to make her run, but he's not going to give up on her now, and she's not going to be able to get him off her mind. Great snippet!