My Books!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Saturday Sample

Welcome to my Saturday Sample. Today I have an excerpt for you from a novel I'm ready to submit. It's called Rest Thy Head. Please leave me a comment and tell me what I need to revise before I send it in.  In this excerpt, my heroine meets my hero for the first time.



She entered the barn, a big white structure with a center aisle and stalls on either side.  Just inside the door she saw a dark haired man dressed in jeans and a long sleeved, checked shirt brushing a pretty chestnut mare.  “Hi,” she called. 

The man half turned toward her; wow, he had blue eyes to die for.  The blue was so intense that it reminded her of a blue diamond that she’d seen at the jewelry store.  “Yeah?” he asked.

“I’m Peyton O’Malley.  I’m supposed to meet Patrick for a ride.”

“He isn’t here yet.  You can sit on the bench under that tree outside and wait for him there.”

Instead of leaving the barn, Peyton stepped toward the man.  “What a beautiful … horse.” 

The man quickly averted his face, but Peyton had seen the dreadful red scars that covered the entire left side of his face.  They looked like burns.  “Wait outside,” he commanded, scowling at her with the good side of his face.
 
Picture By Countercanter (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons


4 comments:

sue said...

wow - that's going to be a bit of conflict I would think. Wonder how he got the scars...

Elaine Cantrell said...

War veteran.

P.T.Wyant said...

Nice introductory description of the man with that last paragraph.

You'd asked what might need tweaked before submitting, and this bit sort of jarred me out of the story for some reason: "The man half turned toward her; wow, he had blue eyes to die for. The blue was so intense that it reminded her of a blue diamond that she’d seen at the jewelry store."

Elaine Cantrell said...

Thanks for your input. I'll work on that bit.