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She had a small apartment on the outskirts on the
city. “It’s lovely,” he said. “The black and white color scheme is crisp and
dynamic.”
“Oh, the apartment’s very small, but still I think
it does rather well.”
She slipped her jacket off and tossed it over the
back of a chair. “Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.”
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Wow, she is in a rush. I wonder why he doesn't back off. She should have at least had to get him a bit drunk or something first.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like the devil.
Hmmm... She gets straight to the point, does't she? Maybe she doesn't have a future in politics!
ReplyDelete“Come along, Senator Landers. I’ll show you my bedroom.” said the spider to the fly... Not very subtle, is she? ;-)
ReplyDeleteReaders, what do you think; should he have put up more of a fight?
ReplyDeleteInteresting snippet. I love how he's trying to make small talk and she'd rather direct. LOL
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a decorator, Elaine. My suggestion is to change his speech. Get rid of 'lovely' and the talk about decor.
ReplyDeleteAs for her, set a better scene with offer of drinks and a snack and work her way to the bedroom.
Let the heat build. You know how.
I'm with Charmaine. The senator sounds like an interior designer.
ReplyDeleteAnd his host?
She's so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia!
I'm not sure about the decor comment from the Senator either.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the woman is just very clinical sexually and doesn't see any point in making small talk? Or maybe she is just literally showing him her bedroom.
That last sentence says it all: she calls him "senator", as in official business, but she's showing him her bedroom. :-)
ReplyDeleteNice story line. A little twist. But i think he should have more of a fight.
ReplyDeleteHe could comment on her apartment a little differently, maybe something like "You're as crisp as your apartment. Clean lines and no frills." Then her comment about showing him her bedroom wouldn't seem quite so abrupt. IMHO. Still, a good snippet, evocative in only a few lines.
ReplyDeleteMore please! It sounds intriguing!
ReplyDeleteGood lead-up to what eventually gets them in trouble, Elaine. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the description of the room, but I'm wondering if "crisp and dynamic" is something he would actually say, or just think?
ReplyDeleteThen again, I don't know him too well---maybe he would! :)
Honestly, there isn't a straight guy I know that would say that about a room. Not even sure how many gay guys I know that would use those terms. Really, most straight men wouldn't comment on decor unless she had some deer heads hanging. And the let me show you the bedroom.......can we say slut. It screams entrapment for a man of position as a Senator.
ReplyDeleteOk,that's just my opinion.
Like the apartment, your scene is "crisp and dynamic." Great 8!
ReplyDeleteThanks to all for the suggestions. I wasn't quite pleased with it, and you've all helped tremendously.
ReplyDeleteIf I were him, I'd worry about a foreign agent. Except an agent probably wouldn't be that blatent.
ReplyDeleteMy impression is that he's an idiot,as a married Senator in this day and age, to go admire her bedroom LOL. I guess to me he seems like such a basically upright and likable person from your earlier snippets that to have an affair with this woman his emotions would have to be engaged or she'd have to have *really* seduced him, you know? He doesn't even seem drunk, so.....? But of course we only have the snippet, maybe there was a lot of context at the party. Well, you've got me hooked, as we can all see!
ReplyDeleteAs far as editing:
ReplyDeleteShould it not say, "on the outskirts of the city" NOT "on the outskirts on the city."??
As far as the snippet...I agree that she is rather quick to get him to the bedroom! LOL!
Indeed it should, Yolanda. thanks.
ReplyDeleteWould a man comment on the colour scheme? Just something that struck me as a little odd. Other than that strong snippet.
ReplyDeleteKiller last line. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteMan! She doesn't waste time. I really don't like this women, and I already feel sorry for the child they have together...
ReplyDeleteWonderfully fluid snippet, Elaine! :-)